Un-Answered Prayer

"Okay God, so what are you doing here? I mean now what?"

Two weeks ago, I prayed those words. I was confused, tired, a little depressed, and angry. All of February I had been praying and working toward being fully supported by February 29th, the one year anniversary of starting this fund raising process.  After working hard all fall, I had saved up enough to spend January and February not working but dedicating my time to this project. I was calling people asking them to give, to join my team, to be part of this project, I was expecting God to do something great, to bring it all together, to do the impossible, to bring in the funds that I need to get on the field in April.

He didn't.

On February 29th, I only had 45% of what I needed. It looked like I wouldn't get to Africa until the fall, if that.  I was out of money. How was I going to pay my bills until then? And so I prayed those words. Tired, confused, angry, and upset.

What do you do when you God doesn't answer your prayers? Or worse when He says, "No, I'm not going to do that?"

Admitedly, I didn't handle it well. Over the last two weeks, I kept asking those same questions, trying to figure it all out. Worrying about what I was going to do. Finally, I stopped. I stopped yelling and pleading. I was out of words. So God filled the space with His words.

"My love endures forever." Psalm 136
"I will not abandon you." Psalm 94:14
"The Lord is your Rock." Psalm 18:2
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Time and again as I read scripture or talked with friends, I was reminded of these truths. God kept saying to me,

"Relax, I got this. Trust Me."

And now I stand on the other side, amazed at my lack of faith and His faithfulness.  On April 1st, I will be in Guinea, producing videos that tell His story.  Check out the last Newsletter for the details on how that worked out.  More than just being able to do what I have been longing to, I get to see which of my crazy production ideas actually will hold water before the water gets too deep. With three week trip I get to see where I will be working, meet the people, and see the land and then come back and make any adjustments before I depart in the fall. It better than I had ever planned.

On top of that, through a couple of unexpected work gigs, I have made enough to pay my bills while away on this trip.  Now I feel ashamed, small, bewildered and humbled.

Why did I doubt?

Hold the Rope

I was recently talking with a mentor of mine, sharing with him about my mission adventure.  As our conversation was coming to a close, He ran into his office rummaged around and after several minutes returned with one foot length of white rope.  Handing me the rope, he must have seen the confusion on my face and began this story.

    “There once was a young missionary who left for a foreign field full of excitement, energy, and enthusiasm.  He told his church, friends and family that he couldn’t wait to come back and tell them all about the lives that were going to be changed. 

     Things didn’t go according to that plan for the young missionary.  Several years later he returned to the church that had sent him off.  He returned broken, a failure. His faith and love had been replaced by bitterness and resentment. In secret he snuck into the prayer and sat in the back unnoticed.  He remained there silently until one member of the prayer circle invited their “new guest” to share.

    Dejected but feeling spiteful the man stood and told his story.  He explained how his early ambitions had been blocked first one way and then another till eventually he lost all desire to minister.  He told of the human depravity and hatred that many had targeted at him.  These trials had beaten him so badly that he gave up on the mission, the church, the faith, and God.  Finally he close with this accusation, “You don’t know me, even now after hearing what has happened you don’t realize that I was your missionary.  When you sent me out, you said, ‘We’ll be praying for you.  We’ll hold our end of the rope and lift you up to the God.’ You dropped the rope.”

    My mentor looked me in the eye and handed me the rope.  “You go in God’s grace, and by God’s grace we will hold the rope.  You hold onto us and we’ll hold onto you.”   

    Interestingly enough, I was sharing this story with another friend and she resonated with it so much because of what God had been teaching her that she offered to write a post about it.  View what God has been teaching her here.                   

    My last post spoke of the chaos I feel I am going into, but it is supporters like him who give me confidence.  

    I know that I am held up by many with bowed heads and folded hands. If you would like to join that team and help hold the rope, send me an email or comment on this post.