Monday, October 21, 2013

Sweet Chaos

      I was told before beginning this journey that it would be chaos. Not chaos in the sense of the world falling apart and the sky crashing down on my head. This chaos comes from a lack of normality. There is no normal in my life, one day looks different than the last, each week brings something new, and to try and figure out what I'll be doing a month from now ... well solving quantum physics is easier.
    I've been traveling since February, and in that time the longest, I've slept in the same bed is 2 weeks in a row. There is always a new trip, an un - scheduled shift in housing, or a need to get a different shot for a video. When I'm not working on productions, I spend what is left of my energy, just trying to figure out how to do "normal" life things. Where is the bathroom, how do I work this toilet, what can I eat, where will I sleep, where is the light switch, is there even a light switch, does up mean on or down. That is the chaos I was warned of. The constant tension of always answering those same questions and the answers always being different. It's the chaos of a million simple little questions constantly being asked.

    I was warned about this chaos and cautioned to guard myself against the fatigue it would bring. But no one told me about the other side of this chaos. Perhaps they didn't know or perhaps they had never seen it themselves. 
    In chaos there is peace.
    When I find myself overwhelmed by all those little annoying life questions and the tension building, the only thing I can do is simply say, "I don't know." In those words something changes, my grasp on control and understanding is released and the things I held onto to trying to balance and orient myself are let go. Empty handed I enter into each new situation.
     And in that emptiness, peace is found. I have to ask other people constantly for help, and in my dependence I discover the joy of finding people more concerned for me than I am. Empty handed, I can be delighted by the simple realization that the light bulb has to be screwed in for the light to work, or that by simply flipping the switch up, I can get hot water for my shower. More often than not in letting go of knowing the answers, I discover that the question wasn't really important any way.
     Chaos produces uncertainty. Uncertainty produces loss of expectations. Loss of expectation produces simplicity. Simplicity produces peace. 
     My life is chaos and it is sweet.

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