"Okay God, so what are you doing here? I mean now what?"
Two weeks ago, I prayed those words. I was confused, tired, a little depressed, and angry. All of February I had been praying and working toward being fully supported by February 29th, the one year anniversary of starting this fund raising process. After working hard all fall, I had saved up enough to spend January and February not working but dedicating my time to this project. I was calling people asking them to give, to join my team, to be part of this project, I was expecting God to do something great, to bring it all together, to do the impossible, to bring in the funds that I need to get on the field in April.
On February 29th, I only had 45% of what I needed. It looked like I wouldn't get to Africa until the fall, if that. I was out of money. How was I going to pay my bills until then? And so I prayed those words. Tired, confused, angry, and upset.
What do you do when you God doesn't answer your prayers? Or worse when He says, "No, I'm not going to do that?"
Admitedly, I didn't handle it well. Over the last two weeks, I kept asking those same questions, trying to figure it all out. Worrying about what I was going to do. Finally, I stopped. I stopped yelling and pleading. I was out of words. So God filled the space with His words.
"My love endures forever." Psalm 136
"I will not abandon you." Psalm 94:14
"The Lord is your Rock." Psalm 18:2
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
Time and again as I read scripture or talked with friends, I was reminded of these truths. God kept saying to me,
"Relax, I got this. Trust Me."
And now I stand on the other side, amazed at my lack of faith and His faithfulness. On April 1st, I will be in Guinea, producing videos that tell His story. Check out the last Newsletter for the details on how that worked out. More than just being able to do what I have been longing to, I get to see which of my crazy production ideas actually will hold water before the water gets too deep. With three week trip I get to see where I will be working, meet the people, and see the land and then come back and make any adjustments before I depart in the fall. It better than I had ever planned.
On top of that, through a couple of unexpected work gigs, I have made enough to pay my bills while away on this trip. Now I feel ashamed, small, bewildered and humbled.
Why did I doubt?